Extreme Nursing
Leave it to my kid to make nursing a damn extreme sport. I never knew that a child would contort his body into every possible position just for the fun of seeing if he can do it while nursing.
For instance, if we are on the couch and he’s sitting on my side, he’ll uncouthly access “the buffet” and then nurse while on a hellafied gangsta lean. Then he’ll stand up. Then walk across my lap, twisting his head. Then he’ll stand on my lap, bent at the waist. Then he’ll sit down.
(keep in mind, he’s nursing the entire time he’s doing this)
After he sits, he’ll try and watch TV. If one of his favorite commercials is on (anything by Time Warner or featuring a laptop or iPad), he’ll unlock, stare at it in a trance and then repeat the same sequence of events. I have no idea why he does this and it is as uncomfortable as it sounds.
I can’t force him into a cradle hold anymore because he’s too damn big. Or he finds a way to wriggle out of my arms and test out his extreme nursing skills in some other way.
I wasn’t built for this shit. I want my boobs back.
JESUS BE A WEANING.
